March 17th, 2005
|09:40 am - Hurt Me 10 Times|
"you have a white heart, and i don't want to take that away from you". thinking back on who said that so many months ago i couldn't believe it. he had a white heart too, he just didn't want to.
annie dillard says that those who are good suffer for their few sins in the short term by having paunful, hard lives, and that those who are bad are rewarded temporarily during their lives and then face eternal punishment in the afterlife. this is unsettling any way you slice it, no? i don't know exactly what to do with this.
at any rate....
i say a little prayer for you.
March 16th, 2005
|10:40 pm - "Someday This Will All Seem So Far Away"|
she said that to me in another time of despair. what am i talking about?? my whole experience in this doomed, dying place has been one big stretched out agony!!! i think way too frequently when i'm driving and take a risk, "hit me, i don't care if i die". it's instinctive. this place is misery. this place is everything humanity has to be ashamed of. racism, hatred, poverty, despair, coldness, heartlessness, greed, selfishness, sociopathy......
in a few months this will seem so far away. so far far far away. and one day even the scars from everything will have disappeared. i'll have new memories and i will have forgotten about all of the names and places that broke my heart so many times. nothing will bring back the stabbing pains when i'm reminded of one of these horrible encounters by a smell, a color, a word on a stranger's lips. la vie continue.... la vie continue.... la vie continue.... i'm not going to die, i'm really not, i'm going to live and keep going and make new memories and the old ones will fade and this pain will plague me no more.
the world is sprinkled around us like ashes, and we're glitter and it's our rising from the ashes like little glimmering pheonix, all of us, that make our lives.... life goes on without us and within us. or something like that.
i'm trying so hard to bleed these wounds and get the poison out, but it's staying. it's a poison that strikes from within. i let the poison into my heart and it spreads, leeching nutrients and oxygen and love and replacing them with evil and hurt and sadness and confusion. everyone is a poison. i cling to different bits of literature and music to carry me through these dreary afternoons, but somehow they always fall short of comforting me. i get frustrated and want to scream at them to comfort me, to not fade away, to stay with me, but they never do.
enough enough enough enough enough enough enough.
i'm leaving in may. i don't care about my fucking lease, i don't care about anything other than getting out of here now. now. now now now now now now now.
March 2nd, 2005
|01:45 pm - Des Yeux Qui Font Baiser Les Miens|
much has changed since the last batch of neurotic entries. certainly for the better. i still don't have a job. i have a roomate. i don't worry about money so much anymore. its not a very big deal i've decided... i don't really care about draining my bank account.
the new stresss is having to decide the following: 1. where i'm going to school next year. 2. where i'm working. 3. where i'm living next year. 4. where i'm living this summer. the most likely outcome will be me living here until at least august. maybe i'll live here longer if i stay at school here.
i'll probably start working here soon, stay here for the summer, go to school, work, then in august move in with meg and kate in ann arbor, start working there, and go to school there. that seems to be the outcome that's shaping itself before me. ignore how annoying the structure of that last sentence was.
today i'm going to see emmy..... we;re going to seva.... then tomorrow i'll be with the one who i miss the most. si les circonstances etaient differentes..... mon coeur ne se casserait pas. comme romeo et juliet.... je souhaite que je pouvais le mener d'autrepart. alors il faut vivre en le moment comme les vrais americains.
"eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die"......
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: john legend- live it up
February 3rd, 2005
|06:42 pm - I Did It Again|
things i did today:
got a roomate :):):)
printed two papers
went to class
talked to molouk berry
went to another class
met with dr bergeron
decided to enter the michigan women's studies conference
got my eyebrows done
went to kroger
things i have to do this weekend:
french studying for exam
arabic studying for exam
study for poli sci exam
read poli sci
get keys for jordan
write checks to dad
help jordan move
meet with arabic class saturday
call big fish
email dr. silva
Things i need to not forget about:
contacting dr. berry
contacting big fish
Current Mood: drained
February 1st, 2005
|07:37 pm - Dropping Safety Pins|
went to class
worked out for a long time
took a nap
made copies of my flyer
put up my flyers
went to kroger
took out the trash
will read poli sci
will read burton and dowling
will do my french hw
will do my arabic hw if there is any
will check my bank acct
go to three classes
put up the rest of my flyers
write a paper
finish anthro questions
this reminds me of the lists that nurses in psychiatric hospitals make for the patients, ie "Nancy can go outside today if she 1. does not spit at any of the nurses 2. walks at a NORMAL pace and 3. cleans her area after lunch".
i was thinking today about who i'll marry if i ever do get married. i want to draw an ideal husband, someone who will make me happy, like dolores did in she's come undone..... and maybe my experience will parallel hers, that ideal just wandering into my life one day. they we'll watch whales together like dolores and that guy do. i forget his name in the book. was it thayer? anybody remember?
Current Mood: stigmatizing mental illness
January 31st, 2005
|08:51 pm - Oh Emily..... Thou Art the Shit.|
things i did today
1. went to three classes and participated (a rarity)
2. talked to humanities office
3. answered three important emails (fajen, umich, tiff)
4. paid rent
5. went to bank and made deposit
6. drove to westland to schedule @ that school
7. worked out for an hour and a half
things i'll do tomorrow (the first time i typed "things i did tomorrow"... oh,the burdens of unsurpassed cognitive skill...)
1. go to my one class
2. write a paper and read the book of JOB (UGH)
3. balance my checkbook
4. call fajen
5. pick up transcript
6. read burton and dowling
7. work out woo hoo
8. brew more iced tea
9. read poli sci
10. do arabic hw
11. do french hw
12. call daryl and schedule that thing
SEE WHAT STRESS DOES TO YOU???? BEING POOR FUCKING SUUUUCKS!!!!
although those extra pounds just fall right off. that;s the ONLY good thing about being stressed out, heartbroken, sick with worry, nervous, etc..... it makes you so very svelte.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: salve regina mater misericordiae
January 30th, 2005
|05:55 pm - We All Saw This Coming|
1. no restaurant food
2. take groceries from pantry
3. no pharmacy trips
4. no having my eyebrows waxed @ the salon :( (that face perfectly completes the three-fold annoyingness of that phrase, doesn't it)
5. pay for gas with cash
6. only bills can be rent and the $400 tuition payment
7. no renting movies..... god.... so expensive
i need a roommate.
i need a more efficient car.
i need to start at Big Fish asap.
this is stressful.
at least i ordered the movies i need, returned the bottles for gas money, returned the movies, made the flyer, updated my application, sent the transcript, and studied for school tomorrow. now all i have left to do is arabic homework, french reading, and posting additional flyers.... after making copies....
good god, please let me get through this alive.
Current Mood: apple deaf
January 29th, 2005
|02:56 pm - Hurt Me|
i'm lonely. no one would notice if i disappeared. i don't know what i want. i want to be left alone, tended to, cared for, loved, mysterious, independent.... all at once. not possible. more than likely i'm going to be so bitter by the time i leave dearborn forever that no one will be able to penetrate the attitude i'll have acquired. it's already here. all i want to do is sleep. i give up everyday a little more, like surrendering a little more hope for the future. this makes me want to sleep in someplace where i'm alone but not lonely.... i want my life to be like i'm sleeping in my bedroom but there's a bunch of people outside the door. i know this is wrong and unhappy and hopeless and ridiculous.
i'm worried about money. i won't ask anyone for help under any circumstances but i still have to tell my parents every little thing that happens to me. i wish i were starting at this new job like tomorrow or something.... i wish i could train sooner so i could have some money..... i'm sad that i'm worried about something as insignificant as money.
i can't believe trixie is gone. i know it;s been nearly three months but it still feels like she's here, just like she went somewhere for a while and is about to come back. but she's not. i know it's silly to be so heartbroken about a dog.... but she was like my sister. every time i come home and she's not there i remember her face in her last moments. i remember pulling into the driveway after the first big snow and thinking how happy she was when the first snow would come every year. i miss her so much. she loved us unconditionally, like a child.... i miss her so much.
thinking of the people i'd want outside my bedroom door, it's sean's face that comes first. i want my parents and megan and dan, and julie and sophia and dorothy, and julie fenn and kelsea.... but it's sean's face first. i would kill to talk to him. i would kill many times over to see him.
i've concluded that i love being treated like shit. i love it because i owe the person nothing. when someon is nice to me i feel this overwhelming sense of guilt and humiliation because they've treated me, someone so unworthy of kindness, as if i was actually worth something..... and yesterday made me realize that my whole life i've been blamed for things that really weren't my fault. especially by myself. no one is harder on me than me. thus, being kicked around is so lovely becuase it's what i'm used to, i suppose. even by those i love and who love me.
they only love me, they don't actually like me. this realization is a heartbreaking one. the realization that i am really and truly alone..... i can't stand to be so corny but what else is there to say?
Current Music: evita
|12:01 am - Often Goes Love in the Stranger's Guise|
i saw a stranger yestreen
i put food in the eating place, drink in the drinking place
music in the listening place
and in the sacred name of the triune
he blessed myself, he blessed my house
he blessed my cattle and my dear ones
and the lark said in her song
often, often goes love in the stranger's guise
often goes love in the stranger's guise
the memory of this song is so unbelievably comforting. i hear corrina's voice singing it when i think of it. wow. corrina, if you're reading this, i love you. choir was such a wonderful part of my life... i think of all of us feeling the subtle emotion of this song, singing from a place where we understood the power of the expression in which we were engaged... how ironic that i remember this song at a point in my life where i am fully convinced that i can trust no one, not even myself. that trust is an illusory comfort that inevitably leads us to betrayal. again, instincts.
more bad things have happened. it's ok now because i've become so accustomed to grieving another thing that's happened that each bad things stacked on top of the others is just kind of like a magnification of all those below it. goodbye to ciao. you motherfuckers have put me in a terrible position and all the suffering i incur as a result is on your hands. i hope you all receive the pain you've caused me back tenfold. if i had my way, ciao would be in the ground tomorrow. i'd take out the waitstaff and leave the chef and manager inside and the restaurant would burn to the ground. i'd feel no remorse or responsibility because i would know that justice had been done. thank god i owe none of you anything and i can move on with my life remembering you for the worthless trash that you all are and always will be. in ten years when i've reached success, i'll think of chef still sweating and raging behind those steel counters, having missed out on a life's worth of opportunities because of his idiocy and sheer incompetence, and laugh. i'm even laughing now. good riddance, you astounding failures.
it was particularly alarming the other day when i was sure that i saw him.... having to stop and let me pull in to a parking lot while waiting for a red light.... in west dearborn at 9 am.... and it could have been someone else entirely, all i saw was a leaning figure, a familiar gesture, the camry gold logo.... i stared, dumbfounded, at the biergarten sign for at least 10 minutes.... i didn't even go to the place i'd come to visit, i just drove back to my apartment in misplaced shock. he does live in the same city i do, he does exist, just not in my world.... but why must there be constant reminders, why can't i kill this pain like i killed his image, his lingering scent, movement, remnants of what never really was, but what i would have killed to bring into being... he's destroyed such a large part of me, while simultaneously installing a bitterness, a hatred, i'll never shrug.... and throughout his miserable life my memory will have no effect on him, i will cease to exist in a few months' time... while i bless and curse him every time i think of this horrible chapter of my life and wonder why what's happened did.
i'm free from the ties that bound me to these memories during the fall. now i can finally bleed them and mourn this concept of innocence to which i was so attached. i have to let myself be, have to cope with being inferior to EVERYONE around me, have to accept this stage in my life as the bottom rung on the ladder... living in the city, the rough city, has given me such an attitude, such a short fuse..... i was shocked today when that woman looked at me wrong and i almost asked her if she had a problem.... that is not how normal people behave, not how mature adults handle disrespect.... no event can justify a violent reaction from an adult. i was so deeply affected by that insight at the seminar on violence against women..... because it's true! normal people aren't violent, they're not crazy like nearly every person i've encountered in dearborn. thank god my escape is in sight.
turn a blind eye, evita, turn a blind eye...
Current Mood: missing sean's idea.
Current Music: harpsichord
January 3rd, 2005
|07:58 pm - You'll Never Know my Email Address.|
i've lost nothing. he is nothing. he's just one of millions of worthless people who have no idea what it is to love and be loved in return. he's someone who can never understand the depth and complexity of human love. sean said that anything in life is conquerable, that we can persevere through anything, if we have someone by our side. i don't want someone like that to be the person i count on for such strength. i don't know who i can count on.... i know who i want to be able to count on. it's a matter of trusting myself enough to act instinctively. instincts play no role in my own personal tragedies, i realize. there is no interface between what i think is right and what i feel is necessary. additionally.... the issue of entitlement must be raised.
is one entitled to being illuminated by, let's say, everyday sunlight? what we do to deserve all of the implicit gifts of each moment is something that continually baffles me. what do i do to sit here, granted light from this candle and this computer screen, no divine burden on my shoulders because i'm enjoying this light.... or is there a huge burden that we're constantly tackling? maybe that's the heart of the matter. this isn't making as much sense as it did in my head.
i don't feel like facing a world outside. all i feel like doing is working and reading. but back to this issue of instincts.... i have none. or if i do they're drowning in a sea of logic. maybe this has to do with this same theme, this issue of upbringing-- does the street life, the urban insecurity, bring keen instinct with its emotional instability and stoicism? the physical vs. the emotional, the blurred lines between two different types of intellect, different means of confronting conflict, different gender binaries.... that;s an interesting situation. the urban woman: strong, physical, sexually potent, tough, yet submissive, feminine, selfless, virtuous. crass, uneducated, impoverished, yet cold, unyielding, impatient, fickle.
looking over this list of "the symbolic dimension of oppression" again (i love you, patricia hill collins)i realize that these are stereotypes ascribed to all women, but especially those in an inner-city environment, of color, of lower economic status, one of many in her family. maybe it's the nature of this situation that exacerbates oppression... if so, then what is the heart of the matter there? it could feasibly be poverty. and how amazing would that be, if the true heart of gender inequity and the symbolic dimension of oppression was economic status?
but what i was trying to get at was the issue of instinct in urban lifestyles. does the mythical thug/gangster/street hero trust his instincts before his logic? maybe instinct imitates logic in the street atmosphere. i can't think about this anymore. every time i go on these sociological brainstorming fits the only example i can ever think of for anything is based on my knowledge of HIM and his life. THAT'S SO RIDICULOUS. that world repulses me and fascinates me all at once. --maybe that's where instinct comes into play!logically, i know i should strive to escape that world, move away from it, reject it in full, but instinctively i move closer to it, trying to get one more glimpse, wanting to understand it from the inside out.... i guess i do have instincts.
the problem, apparently, is when to trust them.........?